As I said above, I was born to two teenage kids who had no clue what they were getting into. They named me Jesse Allen Swanson, because it had a nice ring to it. I'm not exactly sure of the details, but my mother and father weren't exactly on speaking terms when I was born. My oldest memory is my 4th birthday party, my father came, unannounced I suppose, and gave me a birthday present, he hugged me, said he loved me and then left. The next memory of him I have is him calling me from prison, I didn't understand it at the time and I still have no clue what he did, but I remember him saying the same thing he always said, that he loved me. I remember that he would always talk about us getting together and hanging out and it never happened.
During this time, me and my mother were living with my grandparents, who were getting along about as well as my parents were. Unbeknownst to all of us, my grandfather was having an affair, this of course, didn't go over well. My grandparents divorced and my grandfather became yet another person I hardly ever saw.
It wasn't all bad, though. Me and my mom moved into our own apartment and I started making friends. Eventually, me and my mom moved into a house about 2 streets down. That's where I met John. Me and John became close, we were what you would call best friends. As we grew up, we got closer until eventually, I moved. There's nothing that destroys a friendship more than moving away. But me and John were determined. He would come stay at my house during breaks and I would go stay at his. As we grew up, John became a person for me to look up to, he always seemed to have the answers and, unlike me, was never bullied or picked on.
That's the thing right there, if you asked me what my main motivation was for all of the stuff I got into, it would be, because I wanted to be better. I wanted to be cooler than what I was, I didn't want to be Jesse Allen Swanson. I wanted to be someone different, someone, in my opinion, better than me.
If someone tells you bullying doesn't affect a child, they are lying. At my new school I was constantly bullied, and why wouldn't I be, I was prime pickings for the bullies. I had buzz-cut hair (Yes, a buzz-cut), glasses, and a weird sense of humor, they couldn't NOT pick on me. But I wasn't confident enough to take it on the cheek and laugh, I always took it personally, still do sometimes. My only escape, was when I was with John. John never torn me down, he always built me up.
As we entered our early teens me and John got involved with drinking and drugs. John did it to emulate his brothers, I did it to emulate John. I remember the first time I drank, it was during New Years, I hated it, but because John did it, I had to. I began to seek that life at home, hanging out with people who did the same things.
The bullying didn't stop, even though I was doing all the "cool" things. I decided that it didn't matter what I did, I would always be "uncool." I started hating myself, hating that I couldn't be like John, that I couldn't be cool. It got so bad that I would go to sleep crying, begging, to be someone else. To wake up and be someone different. I also started acting out, trying to bring attention to myself, I became branded as "The kid who would do anything for a laugh." Eventually, my behavior got me suspended from school.
My grandmother, seeing the path I was heading down, had us all go to church one Sunday, that church of course, was Victory. When I think about moments like this, I can't help but think of God, looking down and laughing with joy at the beautiful moment he created, at his child who's life has just changed irrevocably. So, needless to say, I gave my life to Christ that day and although it took awhile, God set me above all the drugs, alcohol, and self-pity. I had found the best thing in the world, Jesus Christ.
I can't put into words how overjoyed I am that this is finally out in the open. Like a great weight has been lifted. If this Testimony conveys anything to you, let it be this. God always fixes our brokenness, we just need to ask him into our lives. I'm constantly in awe at what God has done in my life. In all of the mess, the wreckage that was my life, God saw something beautiful in there, something worth saving. He saw me. And if you're reading this, I want you to know, he cares about you just as much as he cares about me. He wants to make the mess of your life into something beautiful.
The next couple of blog posts are going to be various testimonies from other people and I hope they affect you like they affected me. Also, if you're interested in sharing your testimony send me an e-mail at theSuperAlbino@gmail.com
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